Hope this thread will lead to helpful interactions for lots of people on here, but what spurred me to create it is my situation that I'll explain:

So I had started seeing someone a while back - near the beginning of August and we were officially together before the end of the month. Things were going great. She's a fantastic person who made my life so much brighter in so many ways. Around mid-late November though she had to move for a promotion (so proud of her!) that would relocate her to Ottawa, about 8-9 hours drive away from me. We had talked about the possibility of me joining her, which I was on board with. It would mean a big step for a relationship only a few months old, but I wanted us to progress, and so did she. We both felt like this could be something special. Here's where the hitch comes in...

So I should explain that there is an age gap; I'm 23 soon to be 24, she's 27 soon to be 28. The thing is that she has timeline that's very important to her (for private personal reasons that I won't share) where she wants to be in, or at least starting, the marriage and kids stage at 30. So, in large part because of that timeline, she asked me not to come unless I was 110% sure that we would work out and be able to stick to that plan. And I don't know, as much as the thought of that future with her makes me happy, it seems like a lot to promise after just 4ish months. It feels like it may as well be a proposal - no ring involved but I'd be giving my word that, yes, beyond a shadow of a doubt, we will have that life.

And so we broke up. I didn't feel right about promising all that. Not because I don't want it, but because if I were to agree to that and then for whatever reason it didn't work out, I'd feel like the biggest jerk in the world for wrecking her plans/timeline. I want her to have the life that she wants and deserves and I could never forgive myself if I were the reason she didn't.

But now I'm just sitting here, missing her so much, and wondering if I'm being stupid for walking away from a life I feel I would have been happy in because I felt like I was being rushed into it...


Thanks for taking the time to read, if you did. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. And please, if you have any problems or questions of your own, by all means add them to the thread.

Its a bit odd to answer such a question from a perfect stranger on a hockey related forum, but I do relate to your story, so here's my advice. From the way you describe the way you feel about this relationship, it looks like you will double think this decision for the next 20 years. I have no way to tell whether the move is worth it, but you're 24, what do you have to lose? But take it step by step: you could move to Ottawa to show her you mean business, but make it known that the mariage/kids committment will happen when you'll be ready. Having kids is such a life changing decision, and it can be so much fun, it shouldn't be forced upon you, not even by your loved one.

I have to say, I think you made the right decision. I should preface that all by saying that I'm not someone who believes in soul mates or anything like that...there's no one person in the universe out there just for you....but that's a personal opinion. So I think you actually did the responsible thing, no matter how hard.

If it wasn't already part of the conversation, I think it would be essential to clarify with her what she was expecting from you. If it was to know that you were 110% interested in investing in a long term relationship vs just being a "typical 24yr old dude" that might be living life more day-to-day....then maybe it's worth pushing forward with.

On the other hand, if she's expecting for you to commit 110% percent to a path leading to marriage...that's not a fair ask of you. It's actually not fair to her either. Lots of relationships can seem magical after 3-6 months before you start to get really comfortable with one another...then some character flaws or lifestyle choices start to reveal themselves and you can decide if those "flaws" are things you actually appreciate or are deal breakers.

So from where I'm sitting...the only thing you can commit to is wanting to learn more about how viable a long-term relationship might be

Thanks for the response, much appreciated

Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.

It is the second of the two scenarios you mentioned. She knows it's not fair and has apologized profusely for the situation being the way it is. If it were just about investing in a long-term relationship, there'd be no trouble, because there's no doubt that I want a long term relationship with her. But because of her timeline she doesn't want me to uproot my life to move with her unless I'm certain about that path. What sucks is I do truly believe if we just had more time together and there was no move to disrupt things, it would have gone down that road eventually. That's why I'm questioning my decision. Feels like I turned away from an outcome that we both wanted and that would've happened anyway just because it wasn't occurring naturally.

Then I think you both need to ask yourself....is it worth "risking" a year of being together in Ottawa together?

From your perspective...how easy would it be for you to return back home and get work?

From her perspective...how detrimental to her personal timeline would it be to lose a year vs the upside of it working?

From both of your perspectives...how "locked in" would you feel after a year if it's not working out? Would you feel guilty for leaving if you weren't happy? Would she hesitate to kick you out if she wasn't happy, knowing what you gave up to be there? That's probably the biggest risk....that one or both of you feel uncertain but aren't willing to fold the hand.

I'm inclined to suggest giving it a shot for 1yr if you both think the potential reward is greater than those risks.

For me, absolutely it's worth the risk. But she doesn't feel the same. Her timeline is very important to her for personal reasons that she's explained to me and because of that I would definitely feel guilty leaving, especially after agreeing to move only if I'm 110% sure...

It just feels like a lose-lose situation. Either:

Tell her I'm absolutely sure (which would be a lie) and move out there and hope to naturally reach the point where I do feel certain, but risk being the biggest jerk in the world if I don't get there.

or

Give up on a relationship that we both felt could've been something really special

Ya...tough one....only thing I can suggest is logic...which isn't always the best form of argument in these cases...

but if she's already invested 5ish months with you and is being honest about seeing a long term future....is investing another 7mths trying to live together not a better option than moving to a new city alone and hoping to meet someone new that will have the same potential as you? Sounds like a bigger risk to her timeline to try and start all over again with someone new.

That's what I think and have tried to express, but it didn't seem to get through

Tbh I'm also worried that she's putting too much importance on her timeline (even though I understand why) and that it will potentially lead her into a situation that isn't the best for her, because she does have some history of guys not treating her the best and trying to make it work anyway.

Idk, it's just a confusing, emotional clusterf*ck right now

Btw, thanks again for giving this your time.